I ask you, there has got to be a point in a
franchise of movies where you go, WTF??!??!!! like how many people are going to
keep going to camp crystal lake before they listen to the crazy old kook who
tells the 'DON'T' thus brings me of course to one of my favourite movie
franchises, WRONG TURN !!! from the first one in 2003 to the fourth movie in
2011 and the soon to b but not yet watched fith to be realesed at the end of
this month, i find myself watching and going
WHEN WILL YOU PEOPLE LEARN TO STICK TO YOUR PLANNED ROUTES, yelling at the tv at
the idiots running around the woods being chased by hillbillies, hey your in
THEIR territory after all, and a Hillbillies gotta eat just like the rest of us,
and its a hard life for an in bred freak, nobody loves ya enough lord knows who
your mother/brother/sister/father/lover is !!!
Honestly by the foourth movie, i was rooting for the
hillbillies, the movies just get worse and worse as they make them, and yet i
find the endearing they all have that little something, that shine, that same ol
same ol, kind of like the blanket you carried around with you everywhere you
went, or that stuffed animal that you just could NOT be without, thats what
wrong turn is to me, a security blanket of sorts for my horror/slasher
fascination, so here i will do a quick review of the four movies as a whole
starting with....
WRONG TURN (2003)
Ah, original Wrong Turn how i love thee, let me
count the ways, sometimes i like to think they made this little gem of a movie
JUSTTTT for me, i know im selfish how could it just be for me and not be allowed
to be shared with the world, lol sorry i know i'm talking shit right now, but
this movie has been a favourite of mine for as long as i can remeber, its nearly
10 years old and its still AMAZING, but before i gush anymore, let me go on by
telling you about the story.
It all starts with mountain climbers in the woods
getting killed by an unseen something in the woods, shesh harsh really !!! then
we get to meet chris who is on the freeway and gets stuck in a traffic jam, late
for a job interview he decideds to take and ulternate rount, e.g a WRONG TURN,
dum dum dummmmm, this 'alternate route' is surrounded by thick dense woods on
either side and is really just a dirt road, whilst trying to change the CD in
his car he takes his eyes of the road and plows straight into a parked car in
the middle of the dirt road, i mean seriously even if ya THINK no one else is
gonna come along who leaves a damn car stopped in the middle of the road.
anyyyyyyway both cars are damaged enough to be unuseable, thus leading 3 of the
people from the car Jessie (played by the deliciously gorgeous Eliza Dushku) the
sulky Carly and her BF Scott and Chris on a search to find a phone (beacue ya
know woods an all no cell reception) and some form of help, Thus leaving beind
the other two from the parked car Evan an Francine who stay back and smoke pot
and have sex and then of course DIE!!! and from that point on its a race against
time for the others who slowly but surely realize somethings not right in them
there woods !!!!!
i loved this movie from the get go, i'm pretty sure
i've seen it a thousand times over and them some. I love Eliza Dushku cause she
can act the pants off ANYTHING i mean come on a cheerleader in Bring it on,
Rouge slayer in Buffy to bad ass Final Girl in Wrong Turn, you root for these
guys to live, especially as the movie goes along and you learn all about Jessie
and her friends and why they are out in the woods, that her friends just wanted
to cheer her up after a bad break up, only to lead themselves into death and
peril, making Jessie feel guilty that she's gotten all her friends killed, but
instead of being a whiney put upon final girl, she has a cry and then gets all
bad ass im gonna take out these hillbillie freaks if its the last thing i do,
Chris kinda ends up a co-final person, thou i dont really think he does much
through out the movie, hes tough and he helps Jessie pull it together, and they
both fight hard for survival, but i didn't think there was much to him or his
charactor, he was just on the way to a job interview, so it doesn't really tug
at your heart strings the way Jessie charactor does.
The first Wrong turn isnt as in your face gory as
the rest of them become to be, this one really is trying to tell a creepy story
about backwards freaks in the woods, they set up a kill or be killed atmosphere
by the end, theres still alot of gross moments, like when the 4 hiking through
the woods stumble upon a shack in the middle of the woods and decided to
investigate for a phone, they realize they've stumbled upon the Hillbillies
home, and whilst they are inside the Hillbillies return, forcing them all to
hide within the house and watch as their they left behind at the car are dead,
the body of Francine is dumped on a table and the four watch as the hillbillies
hack off her leg, its a gut wrenching scene watching as Jessie Carly and Scott
are forced to stay quiet and watch their friends be mutilated for food.
They escape but not before the Hillbillies spot
them, and a chase ensues through the woods, leading to all but Jessie and
Chris's deaths, the mood is set well, the stumbling upon the hundreds of cars in
a field, that show these freaks have been at it a long time, the climbing into
tress and the Hillbillies setting them on fire to get them, hiding beind a water
fall, a tender moment between Jessie and Chris after all of Jessies friends are
dead and he swears to protect her, getting to the tower only to be burnt down,
your on the edge of your seat praying that Jessie and Chris will be the ones to
make it out alive, that he keeps his word to her, they finally thwart the
Hillbillies in their own home, and walk away stealing the hillbillies van and
taking the dirt road back the gas station in the star of the movie, but all is
not lost my dear friends for our fun loving hillbillies wont godown that easily
and arise for a blood spattered sequeal in...
Wrong Turn 2:Dead End (2007)
Nina Papas:
Birth defects? No shit.
[looking at a barrel of toxic waste that reads may cause birth defects]
[looking at a barrel of toxic waste that reads may cause birth defects]
This has GOT TO BE my favourite
of the franchise so far, theres so much to this one, yet so verrrrrrrrrrry
little to it at all, the set up is amazing, a bunch of people are out in the
middle of nowhere shooting a new reality show about a post-apocolypic world of
survial, i mean come on how cool does that sound all on its own, throw in their
real fight for survival and it still sounds good, but throw in my probably tied
number one spot for a final girl, one of my all time FAVOURITE Hillbillie moment
in any movie EVERRRRRRR and some extra sprinkles of crazy Hillbillies that are
really a family just like you and me, only the brother and the sister are also
lovers.
So we start with spoiled
actress Kimberly calling her agent and bitching at him for getting her stuck out
in the middle of nowhere for a staring role on this new reality show bitching at
her agent she cant understand his directions when she comes to what she THINKS
is the right way to go and her agent makes a retort about "not being able to
afford to take a WRONG TURN" she huffs at him some more turns down the road and
procceds to lose cell reception then accidently hits someone, who turns out to
be a hungry hillbillie who LITERALLY bites her lower lip and chin CLEAN OFF her
face, as she stumbles away and trys to run is SURPRISE another hillbillie
appears and cuts her CLEAN IN HALF !!!
Then we get to met everyone
else, theres all the crew members that form the producer and camera guys ect.
The theres the second best charactor in a movie ever the ex marine and host of
the show Dale Murphy who is so freaking kick ass, even in his dying moments hes
giving shit to the Hillbillies he goes all commando on their asses and theirs a
point in the movie that lead to my ALL TIME FAVE HILLBILLIE MOMENT, Dale is
hanging upside down and regains conciousness and watches as one of the
hillBillies scalps one of the dead crew man and wears his scalp and tuft of
attached hair like a tupee (cue me laughing hysterically) the hillbillie turns
around and giggles like a crazy person does and proceeds to jab and Dale as he
hangs upside all the while He's STILL wearing the scalp like a tupee
!!!!!
(Seriously just look at him,
Tupee of dead guy scalp on his head ! its like a bad line from the song Mr burns
sings about making lisa and Barts puppy's into a tuxedo)
but i've gone to far ahead here
already, there's also the troupe of contestants including my fave final girl
Nina, now at the start nina just did my head in she seemed like a whingy whiny
sulky bitch, she was mean to everyone even nice guy Jake who wants to help her
out from the start but she blows him off rudely, theres of course the slutty
chick Elena who gets naked just because some yelled roll camera, who gives the
director/producer head/sexes him up for prime camera time, only to proceed to
sunbath nude whilst the young male hillbillie watches her the whole time getting
his jollys, till hes discovered by hillbillie sister/girlfriend who gets mad
that he's attracted to someone like Elena which leads to the sister/girl friend
going absolutly nuts and chopping her to pieces.
it goes on like this through
out the movie, weird interactions between charactors theres the Lesbian/ex
marine Amber the typical douchbag guy Jonesy who wont SHUT UP about anything to
do with sex or the female body, but their death scene when they are strung up in
trees side by side and Jonsey lets his emotinal side show and Amber finally lets
herself warm to him telling him its okay till they are skewered both clean
through the eye, then theres the production assistant Mara who ends up taking
the spot of kimberly in the game when she doesnt 'show up' (clearly cause she's
a tad bit DEAD) Mara tends to go the way of the emotinally sickening female
charactor that acts all weak and dismissive and doesnt want to do anything and
thinks she's a loser and not good enough, and in the end gets and axe to the
head, thou in the beginning you think that it'll be either her or Nina or both
of them as final girls, but Mara actually gets killed of quite early
on.
there is so much going on in
this movie really, charactors get whittled down harshly and quite nastily by the
Hillbillies, Dale is also in another funny scene where he stumbles on the old
man from the gas station in first movie who turns out to actually be the father
of ALL the Hillbillies, and Dale ends up blowing him to pieces, hes tough
commandery and hell bent on taking out every damn last on of the hillbillies he
can, Nina and Jake are the last ones left in the end, they are captured by the
Hillbillies Nina is caged like a pet the barb-wired to a chair at dinner time,
till Commando Dale comes along blowing up the kids, sending Mummy and Puppa Bear
Hillbillies into a rage, mumma bear Hillbillie takes out commando guy with like
a bunch of arrows and then its left up to Nina and Jake to kill the hillbillies
and escape, stumbling upon and ferrari (the car the Kimberly was driving in the
beginning of the movie) and drive out of dodge.
I HATED Nina as the final girl
to start with, she was mean to Jake she was a bitch to Mara and she basically
ignored everyone else, but then she slowly starts unravelling thorught the
course of the movie, and then by the end when she goes to run and save herslef
and your life YOU BITCH i was starting to like you and you go leave Jake to die
!!!!!!! and just when your ready to give up on her she comes charging back in
saves Jake and toegther they off Mumma and Pappa Hillbillie and ride off into
the sunset, and then when i've been back for numerous re watches of the movie, i
realize her charactor has been built harsh but really shes a fighter and she
does whatever it takes to survive and she's so used to having to look after
herself shes so gaurded against letting anyone else in to help her, espcially
some guy like Jake who to Nina was probably just another pretty boy jock !!, and
then i realize shes sooooooooooooo like me and that she wont go down without a
fight and in the end she will do the right thing, and she does and she survives
cause she IS a fighter !!!
(Nina (played by Erica Leerhsen) Tough girl i aint
gonna take your shit, i'ma gonna f*ck you Hillbillies up best Final girl
EVER)
(Hillbillie Tupee buy yours now at the nearest
backwoods cabin !!!!!)
Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead
(2009)
Tagline: What you dont see will KILL
you
Thus brings us to number 3, Left for Dead, and here
its not just those damn hungry in bred cannibals to look out for !!!, in the
opening scenes we see two couples river rafting who find a nice place to stop
for the night setting up camp the boys go off to find fire wood, the girls chat
a moment one girl calls another girl a slut when she flashes her tits at the
camera (bitch has a point !!) slutty girlfriends Bf comes back as bitchy girl
wanders into the woods as Slutty girl and boyfriend start to get intimate, hand
groping naked boob, boob is skewered by large pointy stick Death ensues, crazy
cannibals dance, bitchy girl witnesses all bitchy girls boyfriend gets nice and
dead as well as slutty girls boyfriend too ! bitchy girl runs screaming into the
woods...
bringing us to patrol officer Nate, who works in a
prison on his last shift cause hes beenaccepted into law school, well shit that
right there screams your a dead man no one gets out of a job on their last day
alive especially if your in a WRONG TURN movie !! so basically a bunch of
fellons are being moved, and all have decided to move them early because theirs
whispers throughout the prison of a break out blah blah its really a boring set
up, they change the route send nate and another officer with them, drivey drivey
along changed route stop at a sheriffs cabin met sherif and his deputy (set them
up just to be Hillbillie lunch) we discover the Nate was actually a local and
grew up on the area, after a slight rest everyone piles back in the bus and
awaaaaay we go, bus is run off the road by a random truck, presumed to be the
guys trying to break out Fellon Carlos out, bus crashes and craziness
ensues.
This movie is honestly SHIT it doesnt get good
reviews and its honestly bad if you want to watch a well put together movie with
a well written script, most of the movie is at night so its dark alot of the
time, so it was even hard for me to get good screen caps from the movie, there
is honestly not great plot to this movie, but you know what i love about it, it
pits some bad assss criminals/murders against some crazy Hillbillies !!! Carlos
is bossy and nasty and will kill you in and instant he shots Nates friend and
fellow officer in the head point blank, they find and old OLD OLLLLLD security
truck FULLLL of cash (why the Hillbillies just didnt take the money and buy a
big ass mansion and REAL food and leave use peeps alone is beyond me !!!) so
carlos makes everyone take a bag each, theres the sympythetic criminal who is
adment right till the very end he didnt kill that guy, theres the under cover
officer who gets the front of his face chopped off by a HUGEEEEE axe, and then
theres bitchy girl who literally runs into Nate and said criminals !!! Hazaaah
she survived, and she's actually not that bitchy, she gets put through the
ringer with the criminals who wanna basically rape and kill her themselves, but
she stays hard and sticks by Nate.
honestly my fave moments of this movie really are
the criminals agaisnt the Hillbillies they fight just as hard and mean as the
Hillbillies but there really isnt ANYTHING else of worth in this movie,
charactors are so so, bitchy girl isnt so bad by the end and you really are
rooting for Nate to get away, but seriously there are only TWO Hillbillies in
this movie against like 6 criminals Two gaurds and one girl thats managed to
survive hiding in the woods till dark, i mean COME ON the Criminals over power
the young Hillbillie and behead him for the other guy to find, leading him to
lose his shit cause they've killed his son, theres a good fight moment between
last standing Hillbillie and Criminal mastermind Carlos they fight it out hard
but Hillbillie wins in the end, basically it take Nate and Bitchy girl (i should
probably stop calling her bitchy girl, so Alex) to basically run last HillBillie
off the road after stealing his truck then blowing him up and collapsing on the
side of the road.
thinking thats the ending i'm like K, cool, then it
flashes to Nate opening up the truck full of money obviously there to grab the
money and then the last fellon standing who from the beginning claimed he was
innocent appears behind him and SHOOTS NATE IN THE BACK WITH A BOW AND ARROW i'm
like WTF??!!??!!! that sucks ! then the camera pans to the back of shit head
Fellon guy (sorry but i made at him by this point) and someones feet steps into
view of the camera and a blood cover weapon of some kind dropping to his side
and THEN movie ends, (so basically so called NICE criminal guy kills nate,
because nate came back for the money and so did douchebag criminal guy, but to
no ones real surprise all the Hillbillies AREN'T really DEAD!!)
Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings
(2011)
Tagline: These Hillbillies are going
crazy
and so here we have come, to the last (or actually
not so last) WRONG TURN, the typical kind of movie that occurs at this point is
well, the beginning, i mean the title says it all, Bloody Beginnings !! yes
number 4 takes us back to where it alllll begun, the orginonal Hillbillies from
the first movie are back, and younger and prettier !!! i kid, I kid. they are
youny, but they are STILLLLLL uglyyyyyy they are locked up in the looney tunes
bin !! aka the insane Asylum !!! (deem Bitches DOOO be crazy, well the
hillbillies do anyway) they're young and still very hungry so one of them chews
off and eats his own fingers, fun times !!!
(Just hanging around, another day on the job for
the crazy's doctor)
Basically this is the worst movie of them all, but
its good soild idiotic fun, said Hillbillies escape and kill their doctor (as
above) and basically the Loony tunes go nuts killing all the doctors and nurses
and then we cut to i have no idea how many months weeks years later, bunch of
horny douche baggy collage kids taking a trip on winter break to some douchy
heads cabin in the middle of winter, on jet ski thingys in the snow, they
OH HELLLL NO, take a WRONG TURN (seriously really i mean COME ON) end up cold
and hungry stumble across said abadoned asylum place thingy wander casually in,
proceed to turn on the power build a fire, have random nudity and sex, sleep in
hospital beds, wander off at night and get killed blah blah blah.
like number 3, number 4 is just as bad, probably
worse, but its good soild hack and slash and eat fun !!! i really think its
lucky that all the tasty looking morsles of human flesh are shallow douch bags
and idiots, cause you reallllllly dont care that they all die, and seriously
THEY ALL DIE cause you couldn't kill them because hello its CALLED bloody
beginnings !!! so the Hillbillies have to survive in order to be around to
KILL KILL KILL in the orgional wrong turn !!! so making the charactors as
shollow as a wading pool helped with this move a little bit, by the end of the
movie i was honestly rooting for the hillbillies to get their lunch on!!!
i cannot really say much about this movie, they play
around in a hospital have wheel chair races wander off on their own run out of
the hospital when their friend is grusomely beheaded in front of them discover
hillbillies have disconnected their jet ski thingys run BACK INTO the hospital
after one of the girls decides she the strongest skier and shall hike through
the woods to help, only to freeze to death on a tree just METRES from the road
HARSSSSSSSSSSH they run around the hospital into the basement to arm themselves
with sharp things to fight back, i dont think they even HURT the Hillbillies all
the while there is like at least 8 or 9 of them against three crazies i mean
really they lock the hillbillies back in the EXACT cell they broke out from in
the first place the "would be final girl if was just another WRONG TURN movie
and not a tale of beginnings" shows the Hillbillies 'mercy' when they others
wanna torch them good and cripsy only for the said crazies to escape AGAIN an
kill the last remaining few, climaxing in the 'Final girl' and another girl
escaping on one of the jet ski thingys only to drive straight into wire and get
their head chopped CLEAN OFF!!
Stupidty after stupidty abounds in number 4 it'll
make you laugh and make you cry and then make you howl with laughter and yell
"go Hillbillies GO GO" its good for a single watch to 'see' how it all began,
and then laugh lots at the idiot choices everyone makes, the acting is terrible
and its no where near what the first wrong turn was and is.
So there you have it, 4 Wrong turns and
still NO ONE HAS LEARNT cause number 5 is to be released at the end of this
month, so i shall grab me up a copy and away i watch soon enough. from number 2
the violence an death essculates to epic proportions theres lost of literal
blood guts and gore spilling all over the place, people choped in havles and
threes and cooked and stewed and eaten, so i warn you its not for people of weak
hearts and stomaches, it really does push the boundires of disguting, and the
acting and story lines just get worse and worse as each one comes out.
but i recommended them all a watch especially in a
wrong turn marathon, bring some freinds over admire the simplicity and
brilliantness of the first enjoy the greatness of 2 (Hillbillie Tupee, need i
say more) enjoy the small Criminal Vs Hillbillie moments in number 3 and laugh
and shake your head in WTF really at number 4 (then cheer for the Hillbillies in
the end) have fun with it and remember
WRONG TURN = HILLBILLIE HELL!!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment